OK, most of us have seen the e-mail that makes the rounds every few months that list some of the things that are written on products these days. Standups make jokes, TV shows can turn one line into your standard flickering crap.

For the sake of those people that missed all of this, here's a few ABSOLUTELY TRUE labels: "Do not iron clothes while on body" "Do not use blow-dryer in the shower or while sleeping" "Make sure that (car) engine is completely stopped before adjusting any belts" "Ingredients: Mixed nuts. Allergy information: Contains nuts." "Do not insert this curling iron in any orifice" "Contains 4 AA batteries. Batteries not included."

Ok, so I made the last one up. Or more accurately, stole it from a cartoon that I read years ago. However, the rest are true. I tend to delete forwards as soon as I get them, so I don't have a copy of the rest of them, these are the only ones I remember. But, they are enough to make my point. Just how damn stupid are these idiots that are doing these things???

I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for the people doing these things. Sorry, I should clarify that. I do have sympathy for people who hurt themselves by accident or malfunction, IE I dropped it on my foot, or the clamp got caught in my hair, etc. I also have sympathy for kids who were playing, and for the challenged. However, I have no sympathy for the people who just couldn't be bothered to THINK!

What ticks me off even more is that there's probably just as many people doing the same things, but now when they go to sue the manufacturer, they can say "well, theres a warning on the side." Now, I'd like to make something clear. Yes, some warnings are neccesary. For example, food that shouldn't have nuts in it but might, yes, put a warning on that.

What ticks me off even more is all these courts that are REWARDING this. Here's one you might have heard: a teenager ate at McDonalds 3 times a day while going through high school (IE 4, maybe 5 years) and then sued Ronald because he was fat and had cholesterol problems. Or how about the woman who couldn't fit in the standard seats at the movie theater, and sued them because they wouldn't let her bring her own chair and sit in the emergency exit (Which, by law, CANNOT be blocked in any form at any time. If they'd allowed it, they could've been shut down.) Would you believe both of them collected several million? And I'd shudder to know just how much money changed hands with all of those fine print label cases.

Here's another one; this one actually happened to me. I was working in a deli, and a customer came in and ordered a cheese sandwich, and asked me to microwave it extra hot. OK, I did. He asked for it to be a little hotter. Um, OK.... then five minutes later, he came back and complained that he burned himself. No, it was the right temperature, but he forgot to take his retainer out and he got cheese under it. Then he demanded a refund. What do you say to that?

Now, my second point. Has anyone heard of Darwin's theory of natural selection? Here's the short version: All species have great variety due to mutation, gene variations, etc, etc. and if a certain variation survives, it will multiply. Generally, offspring tend to take the best attributes of their parents, so the survivors have attributes better than previous generations.

Example: The giraffe. In the african plains, most of the trees had their lowest branches picked clean, and there wasn't enough food to go around, so the giraffes with the longest necks were able to reach higher branches, and therefore survive. For the record, you have the same number of neck bones as a giraffe, they're just shorter.

What's your point, you ask? By going out of our way to keep all these idiots safe, aren't we letting the algae in the gene pool take over? Shouldn't we be trying our best to ensure that none but the strongest, smartest, etc. survive?

Now I'm not suggesting a olympics or an IQ test where we kill all the losers, (although some days...) but shouldn't we at least let a little bit of natural selection happen? Stop with the warnings, and stop rewarding stupidity. I bet you that the first time you burned yourself by say, pulling a cookie tray out of the oven with your bare hands, you screamed, and then the next time, you damn well thought "I don't want to burn myself" and put oven mitts on. That's how you LEARN. If you went to your mom and said "Mom, you didn't warn me that the metal in the 400 degree oven would be hot, and I burned myself. I want you to give me $20 for my pain and mental suffering." she would've fallen over laughing. (If I'm wrong, don't ever tell anyone, or there'll be a lot of people coming over to help your mom with her cooking.)

...Which leads right into my third point. The people who do these things on purpose just so they can sue the companies. (Ahem.) GET A #%^@#$ LIFE, YOU DAMNED MORONS!!!! Honestly, I could check with a psychiatrist, but I'm pretty sure that self-mutilation is grounds to be checked into the long-sleeved jacket ward. And again, they shouldn't be rewarded for it.

If you want to be a guinea pig, there are testing companies where you'll probably NOT be hurt, but still get paid.

If you're just looking for some quick money, first of all, money is transient. The more you have, the more you spend, and the more you want. Did you know that if Bill Gates stops earning money just long enough to reach down and pick up a $100 off the sidewalk, he loses money? That's him personally, not his company. His living room has a full-grown TREE in it. Bet you if you offered him a twenty, he'd take it. Did you know that most lottery winners are worse off one year after their win than they were the day before they won the lottery? Do you know how many rich people die of heart attacks, ulcers, etc? Do you know how much they get hounded by old friends who "just need a loan"? Try some honest work. I work at a shit-for-dollars job, take-home about $1200 a month (Canadian dollars. That's not even enough to pay a mortgage on an average house up here) and I'm doing just fine.

Finally, if we do call this self-mutilation, isn't rearding them just encouraging them to go out and continue to mutilate themselves again and again? You could make an argument that this is little different from Doc Kevorkian.

So, what's my point? Forget unneccesary product warnings. Let people learn from their mistakes, and maybe next time, they'll think in advance. And for the love of God! STOP REWARDING STUPIDITY!